Looking Back to Move Forward - Part III

*Warning: This particular part of my story contains information that maybe disturbing to some. I'm a “tell it like it is” type of person/personality and plan to describe, in full, the details that live in my head of my survival of a near fatal car accident. In doing this, I hope to relieve my mind of this nightmare that is my past and hope some greater good will come to someone as a result.

Missed Part I or Part II?

Click on the part you missed to catch yourself up.

Hope

I recall that life had not yet taken to the earth or trees on this particular Spring day. Having said that, it was a fine day. There were grey April clouds covering the sky but the sun still made a brief appearance from time to time. The next thirty seconds of our drive is the last I would see of the beginnings of Spring.

There's a stop sign where I had assumed our friend would take his last opportunity to turn right and take us back to school. He stopped but never turned. This confused me as the road ahead was not a paved road, it was a country road. I was unsure where we would be going on this old, gravel road that didn't take us anywhere near our school.

All confusion cleared the second the tires hit the gravel road as this is when our friend hit the gas pedal. We accelerated SO quickly that it literally took my breath away for a moment. The first dip in the road proved to provide the roller-coaster exciting feeling and I finally realized why we were here. With that stomach-jumping feeling of fun, I even smiled freely but I'm a sensible girl. I knew what was ahead. First of all, there was a car coming the other direction and as it passed us, my immediate thought was,

“I wonder if they know how fast we're going?”.

That lead to me thinking,

“How fast ARE we going?”.

I tried to look at the speedometer. I don't recall what speed I had read but saw the needle making it's way far to the right of the speedometer. Everything was happening too quickly for my comfort now. I began to worry as this ride was clearly not over. No words were being said. Just the feeling of speed. I wasn't smiling anymore.

I knew this road and what was ahead of us. My Father would take us to this road as a shortcut to another major highway. Every time we drove it, my Mother worried at the the top of a very steep hill that lay ahead on the road we were speeding on. She had every right to worry. When you're at the top of that hill, it's the kind of hill that you can't see the bottom of until you proceed down. In my Dad's van, I always worried too. However, my Dad ALWAYS took that hill with slow precaution. I believe he did it as a loving Father but I also believe he did it as a loving husband.

I knew we weren't proceeding with caution on this road but everything was happening SO fast that before I could say anything, it was too late.

This is where everything switches from going at lightening speed to slow motion.

We made it to the top of the scary hill. This is where it felt like the car swerved and then it began to veer off to the left. We crossed the road and I had immediate gratitude that there were no oncoming cars.

My thoughts proceeded as follows:

“Crap! We're going to crash.”

“Perhaps we'll just drive into a field until the car just stops.”

< BANG! >

We hit a post on my brother's, the passenger, side of the car. I had one last thought,

“My poor brother.”

after which, my eyes closed.

When my eyes opened again, everything felt like a really bad dream. Did this really happen to me? The incredible sound from hitting that post still rang in my ears and head, which confirmed that I was living this nightmare. I've heard guns go off and cannons fire since my accident. Nothing quite compares to the “bang” of hitting that post. That sound rang in my mind for years. Twenty-one years later, I can finally say that the sound of hitting that post has faded. 

It hurt to open my eyes. I preferred to keep them closed than to open them but I wanted SO badly to orient myself. I was in a VERY uncomfortable position. A curled up position. The “fetal position” best describes how I felt. Dirt filled the little air I had. I felt very enclosed. 

PAIN!! Across my body. The seat-belt. I was "hanging". It needed to come off. I needed it off!! I couldn't get it off. I couldn't see! Touch was not registering as I tried to feel around. I couldn’t speak! Why couldn't I speak?! I needed my seat-belt off. I wanted to cut it off! My brother. Somehow he was lying beside me. He noticed what I was doing. He was able to reach somewhere and release the seat-belt. I “fell” slightly.

Ahhhhh! Better. Kind of.

I was now scared. I tried to understand what my injuries were. I couldn't speak. When I tried, it sounded like garbled speech. Imagine your tongue is frozen from the dentist and you can't move your mouth. You try to speak but everything jumbles up. Just sounds come out. My brother couldn't understand what I was saying. It was frustrating. I tried to feel my tongue at the top of my mouth. I couldn't feel anything. That scared me. I stopped doing that. Obviously, something was wrong with my tongue.

I also began spitting out teeth and I could taste blood. OK! I can handle this! I'll have a few less teeth when I'm out of this car. I can handle that! What I wasn't handling very well was the heat that I felt on my face, the difficulty I was having with breathing and the inability to see, talk or feel. It all began to scare me. There was also the smell of gasoline in the air. I didn't like it. It was a heavy smell that took up precious air and the thought did cross my mind of the dangerous risk of the car exploding. However, I figured if it was going to explode, it probably would've exploded by now. I had to stop thinking scary thoughts. I made a decision right there and then to stay calm. I needed to stay calm. There was no squirming out of this mess. I tried! I had no strength. I was completely helpless. 'Stay calm' kept entering my thoughts.

Outside I could hear our friend. I wasn't awake yet when he managed to get out of the car but he was out now and crying. He was VERY upset. I don't remember everything he said but I clearly remember him crying,

“My parents are going to KILL me!!”

I rolled my eyes. That felt like the worst, cliche expression that someone could ever say in this moment. I couldn't believe it! I was embarrassed! I was there stuck in this car and he was thinking about what his parents were going to think. Looking back, he was sixteen years old. That should explain most everything.

Our friend did one honourable thing that day. There was a moment he came back to the car and I heard him offer a prayer for us. I don't remember the things he said. I heard a lot of fear in his voice. He obviously could see what I could not. But the simple act of praying and pleading with our Heavenly Father has stayed with me forever. As you can imagine, he was far from being a great orator. Again, I don't remember any of his words but the fact that he prayed for us, beside the car so that we could hear, has stayed with me ever since.

There was another voice that came into the car asking if we were ok. My brother answered for us. He told the man that he couldn't move but he was ok for now. He then told the man that his sister was not ok and he was concerned. He also told the man that I had blood all over my face. I was shocked! I didn't know. The man said that help was on it's way and suggested to my brother to keep talking to me.

Confusion grew. What was wrong with me? Should I be worried? Death only slightly crossed my mind but I pushed it aside completely. I may have been in bad shape but death certainly didn't feel like I felt that day. I felt hope! I felt peace! I just couldn't express it. 

Waiting is not fun at the best of times but when you're in trauma, waiting is torture. My mind had to focus on something outside of this situation. At one hopeful moment, I pictured my future children. There was a group of them, standing in my mind and watching me. For a funny moment, I felt embarrassed that they had to see me in this state. But they were a warm thought that helped to keep me calm. The thought of family that had passed away had also crossed my mind – like my Dad's Mom, my Nana. Those thoughts fed my hope and the thoughts of death spent little time with me in that car.

Unfortunately, it wasn't the same for my brother. To this day, I don't know all that he could see but what he did see seemed to have frightened him forever. He didn't see hope. He saw death on my face. I feel very deeply for what he saw that day. I knew he saw death on my face because of the words he spoke to me as we waited.

Important reflective pause: My brother and I weren't the best of friends. We were teenage siblings that “did our own thing”. We weren't overly close. We didn't talk very much together at home. We were only together outside of the home because of some mutual friendships and I rarely even remember him calling me by name. If he needed to speak to me, I believe it was something like, “Hey!”.

My brother's voice struggled and was weakened because of his injuries but these are the words he spoke to me while we waited:

“Daisy, hang in there.”

(he was saying my name! Weird!)

“Daisy, stay with me!”

“I'm so sorry Daisy, I'm so sorry!”

“I love you Daisy, I love you Daisy.” 

“Stay awake Daisy. Stay awake.”

“I love you Daisy.”

I knew he was saying his "last words" to me. Just in case. I couldn't tell him that I knew I was going to be ok. I tried but he didn't understand. It was overwhelming. I listened and I had to stay calm. I told myself to stay calm with each uncomfortable minute. I focused on breathing. 

I told myself to listen for the sirens.